Thanksgiving through the lens of aging

Our experience of Thanksgiving changes as we age. It might mean giving up hosting duties or sharing the holiday with a different sort of family. Whether we're thinking about a loved one who is getting on in years, working in a field that cares for the aging population or getting older ourselves, Thanksgiving carries a lot of meaning.  

Dr. Anna Matos-Mournighan, director of the healthcare administration graduate program, gave us insights into what's going on – and how we can help make the holiday special, no matter where on the journey we are.

Q: In your experience working with the aging population, what does the Thanksgiving holiday bring with it? 

A: It's going to mean different things depending on the stage you're in. For older adults who are still independent, things might be slower. As it becomes more difficult physically to haul groceries and spend hours on their feet, they're not hosting the large extended family gatherings anymore. It might mean they're going to their children's house, or a friend or other family member's home.  

For some, that transition can be a good thing – a big relief! They can be a guest and spend time with grandkids instead of worrying about the cranberry sauce. For others, it can feel like a loss, if entertaining was a big part of their lives.  

Q: What about for those who are living in nursing homes?

A: Thanksgiving will look completely different for people when they're in a nursing home. For some residents who are able to leave and spend the holiday with family, it will feel more traditional. For others, it may be the first time they're not celebrating with family.  

We make assumptions that living in a nursing home is negative and that people will be unhappy. Some might. But that’s not the blanket experience for all. All will have an emotional response. They are remembering traditions. It might be a time of reflection on loved ones they've lost.

But individuals running and staffing these nursing homes make it a priority to know the residents and their preferences. They go out of their way to make their living environment special. 

Q: How so? What are some of the things care facilities do?

A: The goal is to create new memories and traditions for people. At one facility in Rhode Island, last year their staff and partners dressed in inflatable costumes and paraded through the facilities in a nod to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The residents who were there were watching the parade on TV with their new friends. Some had families visit. The experience created a new memory of Thanksgiving. And remember, these new traditions are getting created by people who are also not celebrating with their families at home.

Q: That’s an important point. What does Thanksgiving mean for those working in a nursing home or providing care services for elderly people?

A: People who go into the field of long-term care are unique. They know they're dealing with individuals who will have complicated feelings. These professionals are extremely patient and extremely generous with their time and support. They try to create special moments – not just on Thanksgiving but throughout the year.

For these caregivers, their patients often become like family members. They are spending holidays not with their families of birth but with their families of choice.  

Some facilities take the time to acknowledge this. They may give turkeys to their staff, to say, "Please enjoy a meal with your family, even if it's not on Thanksgiving Day." It’s important to respect and acknowledge this work.

Q: How can we as individuals help our aging loved ones and community members – and the people who care for them, enjoy Thanksgiving?  

A: We can help – and we do, at Salve! Through the Center for Community Engagement and Service, students cook and serve food for the annual Newport Housing Authority/Donovan Manor Thanksgiving dinner and spend time with residents.  

For anyone looking to do something for nursing homes or seniors, individually or as a group, a friendly visit and time spent with someone who may have no family is a wonderful thing. Thanksgiving cards are always appreciated. If you'd like to send pizza or snacks to the staff, or donate pies to the facility, just reach out to the nursing home administrator. Even if you don't have a specific idea in mind, reach out and tell them you have a desire to help. They will have ideas! 

Q: Do you have any advice for someone with an elderly family member on their own or in a care facility as we approach Thanksgiving?

A: I think it's important for all of us who have an older adult in our lives to give ourselves grace. We shouldn't feel like we have to recreate the holiday like it always was. It can't be the same. Focus on creating new memories!  

Also, it's OK to have emotions about things changing. Don't be afraid to talk to your older loved ones about the people they've lost. Open the photo album with them. It helps keep those memories alive.  

Finally, ask your loved one what they want to do for the holiday. We sometimes forget they can still make decisions and it's easy to find yourself starting to take over. Get them involved in planning something. Connect with that person. 

Feature image by Getty Images/ArtMarie